Baby Blues and Struggles as a New Parent

I'm going to start this by saying I LOVE my daughter and I LOVE being a parent!

Having said that, I've really struggled with the baby blues. Those that knew Arturo and me prior to Kesha's arrival know that you couldn't keep us put. We were always moving, going to the gym, coordinating social activities, traveling, etc. We are also very committed to what we consider to be a more natural way of life.

Our commitment to a more natural way of life has led us to make certain parenting decisions. We are exclusively breastfeeding and plan on doing so at least for one year, if not until two years (which we have read is ideal). At this point we are not pumping and are only, literally, breastfeeding. We are also doing an "on demand" eating system. This means that we do not dictate when Kesh eats, she tells us when she is hungry. It has worked well for her and she is growing very quickly and is super healthy! (it has also worked wonders for me and losing my pregnancy weight!) We also seem to have formed an excellent bond and spend much of the time talking, reading, or singing. However, this plan severely restricts my lifestyle (wow, that sounds super selfish). I can't leave the house without her because she has no eating schedule. Once I decide to workout again I will have to pick activities that include her coming with me. This counts out gyms, pools, yoga classes that aren't mommy/baby (which I don't think they have in Cuenca, but I haven't looked yet), the oh so popular biloterapia, and other such activities. Basically, I can work out at home and walk with her.

At some point I would like to start pumping and mixing in bottle feeding (not switching entirely), but I'm not sure when to do it. I was hoping to do it at 6 months, but I really can't imagine having this schedule for the next 5 months... One of our solutions was to go to a 2-3 hour period every day where we feed her pumped breast milk from a bottle. However, I have huge hesitations about this. Primarily I feel like a selfish mother wanting to do this. I have no problem with breast milk production (I know, you wanted to know that), and no problems feeding my daughter. Why should I not give her all that I have? Arturo and I talked about how I could use those hours to have a bit of time for myself, sleep, workout, reduce my stress levels by getting a massage, my nails done, etc... things that would make me happier and thus make me a better mother. But I'm not sure what to think or to do about it. I haven't made up my mind yet. But I know I need to find some solution because I feel stuck in the house, which is a horrible feeling for someone as active and nomadic as me.

So, I am also struggling with is feeling like I'm stuck in the house. Because we're not pumping and I have to be with Kesh at all times we, naturally, have to think about her when we chose our "going out" destinations. We rarely take her out at night because of how cold it can get, which means our late night hamburger runs we did while I was pregnant are out of the question. I stay home while Arturo goes out. We took Arturo's cousins out to see the city of Cuenca the other night and while they got out of the car at each site, I sat in the car because it was too cold for Kesha. I know as she gets older this will be easier, but right now it's hard on me. Once again, I feel horrible saying these things because they're so selfish, but I just need to get them out.

The other thing I'm struggling with is pacifier usage. Kesha likes to "eat" to calm herself, which can get very tiring for mom. However, our pediatrician told us that he highly recommends NOT using a pacifier because they're like crack to babies. They get confused about if they're hungry or not and they become obsessed with their pacifier and it is very hard to wean them off of it. So we decided not to use one. But I can sit forever with Kesh "eating", half asleep. But when you try to pull her off she wakes up and is upset. This is especially tiring in the middle of the night... a pacifier sounds like such a good solution, but can I justify helping myself out by giving my baby the baby version of crack? (like I said, doctor's words, not mind haha)

Lastly, I'm struggling with baby talk. I'm not a baby talk person. I like to enunciate so Kesha hears correct sounds and the correct words. When people use baby talk I feel like they are talking to my child in the same way that they would to a really small, stupid dog. She is a person with a developing brain! Teach her the right way to speak please! Well, here baby talk is the norm and makes me want to rip my hair out! I have no idea how to ask people to please enunciate and speak to my child like a human being rather than a stupid animal, but I haven't figured out how to do that yet.

Kesha is really a joy and puts up with a lot from us (like us dragging her at 2 weeks old to go shopping in la Casa de la Mujer and to the mercado 3 de Noviembre at 4 weeks old). She is a really good baby, isn't colicky, sleeps at least some every night, and is a good eater. She is social and does well when other people hold her (unless she's hungry) and is so much fun to watch grow and develop. But, as I'm sure everyone who is a parent can contest to, I am having a hard time adjusting and deciding how I want to parent. I'm sure I will figure it out, but I just needed to put my thoughts down somewhere.