Going from one child to two has been an experience for us (as I'm sure it is for most families). Kesha has had very normal reactions to Kalah's arrival, but that doesn't mean her reactions have all been positive. She has been angry, been excited, been easy to get along with, and not. She has regressed in some areas, wanted her independence in others, and has developed a very strong defiant streak.
So, what has worked for us as a family during this time of transition? Here's my list...
Lots of hugs
Kesh is a strong-willed, persistent child. There are days I relish this quality and love watching her problem solve, charging ahead on her own. There are days it turns my hair gray. With such stubbornness flowing in abundance from our soon to be three year old, when there issues arise we, many times, find ourselves falling back on the typical "correction" technique. Most of Kesh's acts of defiance are out of frustration with our new family situation, or mean she is lacking attention. Under such circumstances the typical "Kesha we don't bite people or babies", or "no biting Kesha" doesn't work. It makes her even more defiant (duh duh duhhhhhhh!).
While talking with my mom one day she asked "have you tried just holding her when she's like that". My answer, "um, no". So, I tried it, and boy does it work! It's amazing how something so simple as a big bear hug, a rock, a kiss, and an "I love you" can change everything.
Remember, when your child is acting out after a new sibling is introduced they may just be feeling pushed aside and want some of the love and attention they feel is missing, but don't know how to tell you.
Redirection
I had a conversation with Kesha's pediatrician about some of the ways Kesha's actions have changed since Kalah was born. The first thing she did was smile and let me know that Kesha is completely normal (*phew!*). Then she made a few recommendations, one of which was "rather than correct, redirect" (of course this was said in Spanish and it didn't rhyme or sound as fun in Spanish as it does in English).
She is the expert in children and her suggestion, of course, is an excellent one.
Her main idea is that rather than this scenario (this is a hypothetical, although not far from realistic, scenario)...
Kesha: Coloring on the walls
Mom: "Kesha don't color on the walls"
Kesha: Looks Mommy straight in the eyes and colors on the walls again
Mom: "Kesha I swear if you color on those walls
one more time I will throw all of your pens out the window"
Kesha: Looks Mommy straight in the eyes and continues coloring on the wall
Mom: "KESHA LEE GIVE ME YOUR PENS" and throws the pens out the window
Kesha: Bursts in to tears
You would have this scenario...
Kesha: Coloring on the walls
Mom: "Kesha, let's go to the park"
Kesha: "PARK!"
Mom: "Put your coat and shoes on"
Kesha, Mom & Kalah: Leave the house together to play at the park
Okay, so the second scenario is a bit idyllic and probably wouldn't play out that smoothly, but I think you get the idea (and no, we don't throw things out the window in our home). The idea is to completely change the child's direction so as to distract them from their frustrations and anger (which are probably causing them to purposefully do things they know they shouldn't be doing.
I am not that great at remembering to do this, but the times that I have remembered it has worked fairly well. Usually the getting out of the house part has been a bit of a struggle, but once we are out all of our attitudes totally change and our day becomes much better.
One on one time
Almost everything I do now involves both Kesha and Kalah. As a family have decided that exclusively breastfeeding again was right for us, but that means that Kalah has to be fairly close at all times. On several occasions I have made a real effort to just do things with Kesha and have someone else watch Kalah, and boy has it made a difference in Kesha's mood. I believe it shows her that she is still very special to me and that she hasn't lost her special time with her mommy.
I feed Kalah as much as she will eat and because she tends to want to eat only every couple of hours, I can buy myself a decent chunk of time with Kesha. We have gone outside to play in our apartment's courtyard (we have a grassy area with a waterfall where Kesha enjoys playing) while Arturo watched Kalah, I have taken Kesha to the grocery store (just the two of us) while Arturo watched Kalah, and my mom has taken Kal on several occasions during this visit so that Kesh and I could do things alone at home. We made and played with oobleck together, did the dishes (aka played with lots of soap and plastic containers in the sink), read books, had bath time, etc. I doesn't have to be something huge that you do with your older child, it's just the fact that you set aside and have that one on one time with them that makes the difference.
Letting her help
This is a suggestion you will see in the majority of articles and blogs that come up if you Google "helping my toddler adjust to a new baby". This worked for us at first... sort of, but has now become something that Kesh isn't that interested in.
When we first brought Kalah home Kesha wanted to do everything. She was excited to bring me diapers, pick out clothes, help us bathe Kalah, etc. At times letting her help became a struggle due to the fact that Kesha has a really hard time listening and following directions. We would tell her she could put diaper cream on Kalah's foot, but she would put it everywhere except Kalah's foot and then we would revert to correction and that would turn in to Kesha being upset (*sigh*).
However, the idea of helping Mommy and Papi with Kalah has gotten old and she is no longer interested.
So, I can say that it worked a bit at first, but now is not such a help due to the lack of interest on Kesha's part.
 |
| I found this and thought this was hilarious! It is obviously not my photo. The original can be found here: http://www.mommyshorts.com/2013/03/dr-b-gets-your-toddler-to-stop-harassing-the-baby.html |
Follow through and not feeling sorry
Consistency is key. If you had a rule before the baby was born, keep that rule. If you say no, follow through. Don't feel sorry for your oldest because of the new baby, and don't play the "oh, poor you, you now have a sibling and don't get all of the attention" card.
If you start giving in because you feel guilty about all of the adjustments your older child is going through, and that they are having a "rough time", you're going to make things much worse in the long run.
So, don't make new rules, or try to be tougher on your older child, but make sure you stick to your guns. (trust me, this is
a lot harder than it sounds)
Allowing regression / Supporting desires for independence
Kesha has had a split reaction to Kalah's arrival.
In many aspects she wants to demonstrate that she is the bigger sister and can do more things on her own. She has stopped using her "potty seat" and her stool to use the toilet. She can get up and down off of the normal toilet by herself and wants no help in the bathroom at all (she won't even let us turn on the light for her, which means she goes to the bathroom in the dark a lot). She wants to get dressed from head to toe on her own and isn't asking for help as often (until she is extremely frustrated).
We have embraced her newfound desire to be a big girl.
However, she has also "regressed" in some aspects (I'm not a huge fan of the word regressed, but I can't think of another term to use, so we'll stick with that one). She has always been a kid that is tough to pin down, to get her to cuddle for long periods of time. She has tons of energy an wants to wiggle and move at all times. But now, when Kalah is resting, she wants to snuggle too (typically right where Kalah is), when Kalah is feeding, Kesha asks to breastfeed as well. Some people will tell you to let them, and I did let her try, but decided that I wasn't comfortable with the idea of Kesha wanting to breastfeed again. I have decided that she can have the sippy cup that we stole from her younger cousin. She calls it her "tete", which is a baby word for "teta", which in Spanish means bottle. She seems happy with that compromise and it is working for us. Kesha gets her "tete" and Kalah has "chucho".
Overall, I think embracing your child's demonstrated needs and desires (as long as they are appropriate) is a healthy thing to do, weather they are wanting to be a "big kid" and have more independence, or they want to revert to being a baby again.
Taking a break
Sometimes you want to shut yourself in the closet (or at least I do, and I
can not imagine that I am alone here). When your infant needs you, and your toddler wants you, and both are screaming, what do you do? (besides reach for the nearest bottle of wine, of course)
One of my friends posted a status on Facebook one day along the lines of "it's too bad it's illegal to shut my child in their room". My response was "it's not illegal to shut yourself in a room", and sometimes you need to do just that. Well, not that exactly, but you need to take a break!
Ask someone to come over and help you.
Get a sitter, even if you just stay at home and take a bath.
If you have such luxuries available, take your toddler to one of those play cafes where someone else watches them while you drink coffee (don't forget your flask with whisky in it... kidding mom!) and eat copious amounts of pastries.
If Mama's happy, everyone is happy, right? Well, maybe not, but taking a break can sometimes be just what the doctor ordered.
Your home will not fall apart if you are not there.
You
do deserve a break.
Maybe your kids even need a break from you!
 |
| I keep this bottle near by in case of emergencies. |
I am most certainly not a perfect Mama. I have my days where I yell, my days where I shut myself in my room and pretend not to be on there when my toddler bangs on the door and screams "MOMMY!!!!" (yes, I
have done this). I have had days where I have to say "I'm sorry" over and over again. But for the most part, we are figuring this all out.
What recommendations do you have? What has worked for your family?
